Shishiosama’s evil plot
by Aurorawhisperwind
Summary: Shishio’s new and devious plot to ruin the Kenshingumi’s lives. Can they survive a reading of one of the worst Marysue stories in the world?
1. Chapter 1

**Aurora Whisperwind:** Hiya! I had a crazy inspiration!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Rurouni Kenshin or any of its characters.

**Warning:** This is a Mary-sue parody. If you like Mary-sues, or are offended in any way, please do not read. Please don't flame me for no reason, as THIS IS A PARODY AND IS MEANT TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY. Thank you!

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Yumi woke up from her side of the flaming coal bed to notice that her Shishio-sama was gone. She sighed. Ever since Shishio-sama had taken over hell, his behavior had changed. He seemed to develop an unusual amount of interest to ruin the lives of Battosai and his friends. Maybe that's what he was doing right now. She pulled her yukata straight, and peeped in through one of Shishio's many office rooms. Yep, there he was. However, he didn't even notice her. That was odd. Peering closer, she noticed that both he and Houji seemed to be in some kind of trance, black candles lit around them. Shit, not again.

"Come forth great spirits!" Houji yelled, "Come forth! We beseech you to help us!" Shishio grunted an assent, too proud to beg. Yumi shrugged and wandered off, wondering where they kept the tuna sandwiches. A great burst of light blazed into the office room as soon as she left, and a teenage girl appeared out of nowhere. Shishio opened his eyes. He smiled at her. Yes, this plan was good.

_Back in the living world._

"Tae-san!" the little errand boy cried, waving a package in his hands. "This arrived for you, Tae-san!" Tae was puzzled. "Where did it come from?" she asked the boy, now impatient to leave. "I don't know!" he yelled, and hurried off to other jobs. "Strange child….." she mused looking at the oddly wrapped package and tried to open it. It didn't come off. It seemed very inviting though, begging her to open it. _Maybe Kaoru-chan or Ken-san will have an idea of what this is._

"Tae-san! What bring s you here?" Kenshin asked, rubbing his hands dry on his hakama, just having finished the laundry. "Ken-san, I need to show you all something. Is Kaoru-chan here?" Tae asked; the package in her arms. "Tae-san! What are you doing here?" Kaoru asked, coming out of the dojo, sweaty and red in face. "Ohayo, Kaoru-chan. I was here to ask you for help" Tae said, fingering the package nervously. Kaoru looked puzzled, but led the way inside so they could all sit down. "Hello Tae!" greeted Sanosuke warily, wondering if she was there to collect his tab. But she seemed preoccupied and nervous, and didn't look like she even acknowledged him. "What's wrong, Tae-san?" Kenshin ventured, an odd frown on his face. "This"-Tae pushed the package in front of her.

"What is it?" Kaoru asked, as Sanosuke took a closer look at the beautifully wrapped package. "I don't know" Tae answered. "Do you know who sent it?" Sano asked, touching the wrapping tentatively. "I don't know" Tae answered again. "Does it belong to you?" Kenshin asked, peering at Tae's flushed face curiously. "I don't know" Tae stuttered, red in face. The Kenshin-gumi sweat-dropped. "So you have no idea what this is, who sent it, or whether it even belongs to you?" Tae nodded.

"Well, let's just open it and see!", Kaoru declared. "You can't" Tae said, as Yahiko came in, exhausted. "Why can't we?" Kaoru enquired, as Sano filled Yahiko in on what happened. "I already tried to. It wouldn't come off" Tae explained. "Let's try anyway" Kaoru said, grabbing the package and tearing the wrapping off. It came off easily, much to Tae's embarrassment, revealing a leather bound book with a clasp. "It's such a beautiful book…" Kaoru muttered, fingering it and flipping open the first page.

Scrawly handwriting read-

_The angel's tears that melted the icy heart of the amber eyed dragon._

_-By PrettyHime-chan16_

"What was that supposed to mean?" Sano asked, bewildered. "I don't know" Kaoru answered, "Let's read on, shall we?" the rest nodded, not noticing the evil pink glow that the book was emanating. Pinker than cotton candy. Pinker than a thirteen year old's room. Pinker than Dee dee's frock. Pinker than, _gasp!_ Kenshin's gi.

_Once upon a time in Tokgiwa era_, Kaoru read aloud, _there lived a beauttiful gurl. She was more buttifuller than the sun, more buttifuller than the sky, more buttifuller than the rain. Her name was MitzuwashashiHikoSoujirotamajiro_. Kaoru stopped, "What is this supposed to pronounced as?" The rest looked extremely confused. Kenshin shrugged, "Please continue, Kaoru-dono". _But evry1 called her Mitzu for short. Her name meant light, and she waz every bit lighty. She had long hair the colour of goleden, so golden it put the sun to shame. It was straight, and slightly wavy at teh ends. It was not hevy, but very light and beautiful and sliky, and soft. Her eyes were violet, purpler than the purplest of purples. _Kaoru stopped again, "What rubbish is this?" Yahiko demanded, irritated. "How can something be so badly described?" Sano sighed, "Continue. Let's see where this is going"

_Her skin was fair and smoth, and milkier than a baby's. she had a perfect figre, slim but full. She was laso the greatest swordswoman, poet, heler, dancer, singer, and everthing else on the planet. She was very unhapppy though, as she was absed as a child, but bore it gret bravery. She was 13 years old, and was goig to fite in the bakamatsu, as she kewn what it was lyke to suffre. She was accepted into the sinshengimu, agter she bet Saito and Okita with her attack spells. Everyone loved her madly, yet she loved them only as her brethers. One day when the moon was shining-_

"That is just stupid! How can the moon shine at daytime? What rubbish is this? And Kenshin was the best swordsman, not some random chick!" Sano yelled, snatching the book from Kaoru, and attempting to tear it. However, the book glowed its scary pink again, and it was very noticeable now. Sano dropped it horror as the book began to float, and a high female voice announced, "PUNISHMENT! YOU SHALL PAY!" A dome of light appeared out of the blue, and the Kenshin-gumi watched wordlessly as three figures appeared, a tall, lean one, a taller, heavyset person, and a small, delicate figure.

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Who are the new arrivals? Guess! What do you think of the story so far? I did not mean to insult anyone's fics, honest, but this was just something I wanted to do. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Aurora Whisperwind:** Okay… so I read more mind-scarring Mary-sues today, really, I couldn't resist updating.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Rurouni Kenshin or any of its characters. I do own the bloody wench Mitzu though.

**Warnings:** I'm really not trying to hurt anyone writing this. This is a parody.

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The Kenshin-gumi gaped at the new arrivals, as the book continued, "AND AS PUNISHMENT, YOU WILL READ AGAIN!" Hiko Seijuro, Saitoh Hajime and Seta Soujiro blinked up at them. The book finished ranting, then flew into Sano's hands and opened up the first page.

"Shishou?" Kenshin yelped.

"Soujiro?" Sano raised his eyebrow at the kid as the boy smiled his usual smile, except now there was some real feeling in it.

"Saitoh?" Kaoru and Yahiko growled at the cop who glared back and started to look for a cigarette.

"What just happened?" Soujiro asked, as Saitoh and Kenshin started a glaring match, and Hiko looked as inscrutable as usual. They blinked at him, and Tae explained gently. _Gently_. It was just a story. Not the manifestation of evil. Kaoru and Yahiko though, had the same thoughts in their heads; _this was the boy who was Shishio's right hand?_ He was just that, a boy.

"Ok then" Sano soothed the book, as he threw warning glances at everyone not to insult it. "What?" Hiko asked, "You're going to read that book?" Kenshin interjected before anyone slandered the book, "Well, you were teleported here for some strange reason after all… so listen to it" Saitoh let out a puff, "I guess we have no choice" Soujiro nodded brightly, "Okay"

"Hem hem" Kaoru cleared her throat, "as you guys are new, we vote that one of you should read now and we want you, Saitoh" she handed it to him with a barely concealed smirk. Oh that nasty cop was going to die, and soon. He looked at her strangely, shrugged and reached for the book as the other's settled in to listen.

_Fifteen minutes later._

Saitoh was spluttering at the book as Kenshin made frantic hand gestures at him not to swear, Hiko was laughing quietly, Soujiro looked a little confused, the rest were ogling at the sight of Hiko _laughing_. "Calm down" Kenshin thundered now, hitting Saitoh on the head "now continue" Saitoh gave him a death-glare, Kenshin stood his ground, and finally Saitoh gave in and sighed.

_One day when the moon was shining, and the garss shimmrd in the lite of Mitzu, Hijkata came upto her wth a meesage. She was orderd to go and kill batttosai. He was a ruthliss killer, but she woz not afraid. Saitoh and Okita had already tryd and failed. _

Saitoh looked up, puffing with rage at the white faced Kenshin who whimpered- "Was I so ruthless?" Saitoh sighed. "No you were not ruthless, happy now?" Hiko smirked, "I sense worse times ahead" Soujiro giggled, but it sounded insane. "Continue" Kaoru commanded the wolf, who threw her a dirty look and gave the book to Soujiro, "You read" the Tenken nodded nervously, and took it.

"_oh you will go and fite him alone my luv? what will we do if sumthin happens to u?" Okita askd her. "I well be fin, but I'm cannit be ur luv, ur lik my brethor. But I mist tell you, we hav a babi together. He woz born yesterday. "here" she gav him a pretty boy, "Wot shoud we call him?" he was confuzzed so she sad "He will grew up to be a gud swordsmin. how abot Soujiro?"_

"_but if we hav a clihde, then u must luv me" Souji said saldy. "I'm sorry, but no" Mitzu said. "u hav t.b and will die soon. I'm so surry!" "Oh" said Okita and died. "I can't kip tis childe… he'll die, I know, I'll give him away to Seta Furishi! So tis boy's name is now Seta Soujiro!" _

Soujiro dropped the book in shock, and sank down onto the ground, pale and shaking. "The boy needs therapy" Sano observed, as Hiko nodded, not laughing any more. "You know, you _do_ look a lot like Okita, and your names- Souji, Soujiro, very identical, don't you think? How I wish he was here to see you!" Saitoh drawled, quite enjoying the situation.

"You called?" came a cheerful voice, coming from somewhere near Sano's arm. "AAARGH! GHOST!" the said street fighter yelled, leaping away from his place, as Kaoru and Yahiko screamed as well, Kenshin tried to calm them down, and Hiko looked amused again. "Oh I'm sorry" the floating, transparent long-haired young man said warmly, but Sano was gone.

"Okita, what the hell are you doing here?" Saitoh asked, as the said ghost waved to everyone. "I was always somewhere near…" Okita replied "all you had to do was call me! And now you did! So tell me all your names, the one's I don't know" they smiled weakly at him, and introduced themselves. _'What a total charmer'_ Tae thought wistfully, _'too bad he's dead'_

"So you're Battousai's master, and you're his girl, and you are her student, who was that guy that ran?" Okita asked, counting them off his fingers, "Sano" they chorused, "And that leaves you" he grinned at the still pale Soujiro, "who are you? We look so-" Okita stopped speaking when Soujiro buried his face in his arms with a whimper and Saitoh burst out "He's your son!"

There was silence in the Kamiya dojo.

The old woman who lived next door was quite startled to hear none of the usual noises.

"DIE YOU EVIL GHOST" Sano burst into the room with a bunch of charms, and threw them at the frozen Okita. They went straight through him. "I HAVE A SON? A SON?" The ceiling shook again, as the new father went into a hysterical fit. Hiko was the one who put his foot down and slapped the raving young man, "Hey I could touch you! What kind of a ghost are you?" he asked. "Oh that" Okita sulked, rubbing his red cheek, "well, I'm a special kind of ghost. I asked someone for, um, something and- you slap hard! That was so mean!" he accused, tears beginning to shine in those childish eyes. "stop whining there was nothing else we could do to stop you yelling" Hiko reasoned.

"Ano…" Kenshin said, "maybe we should-" Saitoh interrupted with a "You're right, Battousai. Okita! Read! It's an interesting account of our lives!" he threw the book to the still-transparent arms of the ghost. "Okay"

A while later, he was having another fit while Hiko, Kenshin, Kaoru, Yahiko and Sano grabbed him to make sure he didn't rip the book apart, finally knocking him unconscious. They glared at the infernal book. It was so much trouble!

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Poor Sou-chan! I'm so nasty to him! Anyways, read and review! 


	3. Chapter 3

**Aurora whisperwind:** Yay for all the reviewers! I love you all!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything.

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It was quite some time before they could approach the book again. Saitoh took a deep breath. "Okay, so as Okita, Soujiro, me and Tanuki-" here Kaoru stuck out her tongue, but the cop ignored her, "-have already read this…thing, I vote we make Battousai read" Much to the red-head's misery, everyone agreed. "Sessha hates you all" he whimpered as he took the loathsome book and opened the page they were reading.

_Mitzu cerpt quitly as a snake as she reached tah clering were batto was waiting. His yellow iz glemed in tah nite sky. He was astonded by Mitzu's beaty. "buttful maiden" he sad "u r lik tah moon on a moonless nite, the stra on a starless nite, howmy heart bleds to fite thy fair face! But als, tis fate!" he dramatized and tried to fite her. mitzu knew in her hert that he waz tah one she was luking for, and decided to go eazi on him. he was no mach foe Mitzu's skillz, but she took piti on him- _

"Stop already! Kenshin, how can you read that junk?" Sano and Yahiko roared at the Rurouni, while Kaoru made frantic hand gestures to quiet them as Hiko and Saitoh roared with laughter. The pink glow returned, and they all watched it warily. Sano, showing rare presence of mind, slapped some of the ofudas he had thrown earlier at Okita. They watched the glow eagerly. Nothing much happened, but the pinkness subsided a little. Hiko gestured Kenshin to continue, and the lavender eyed man did, sulking a little. Saitoh had a slight smile on his face. He was quite enjoying this.

"_y do u not kill me?" battosai asked Mitzu. She pushed her beautiful blond haer off her prtty face and said "I do not wish to kill needlessly. Luking into ur heart, I can see ur soul. It is pure as snow" Batto's eyez widened at this sugoi woman. "My lady" he said "u are the only one who saw me for who I am. I tink I'm in love with u, my lad-y-eh?"_

Kenshin trailed off, his face distasteful, as Kaoru began to turn red. Not the embarrassed red. The 'I'm so going to kill you and drink your blood' red. The rest of them were laughing their heads off, Yahiko and Sano actually crying in mirth. Kaoru looked like she would explode any second, and Kenshin rushed to shut her up before she insulted the book. It wasn't necessary though, for Kaoru left the room gracefully, and shut the screen behind her quietly. The laughter had subsided a little, and Okita was coughing like mad now, while Soujiro lay curled up, trying not to laugh again.

They heard a blood curdling scream followed by several loud crashes and swearing so bad that Sano's jaw dropped and Saitoh started choking on his cigarette. After about fifteen minutes, Kaoru returned, her face serene. "Sessha thinks that um… someone else should read this now. How about Yahiko?" The boy gaped at him, but took the book anyway.

"_oh Kenny! I tink so 2! My hert haz found u at las, my one tru luv!" she said as Kenshi embrazed her. _

"Uh… I know I read only one sentence and all, but I really, really don't want to read this any more… I'm only a kid!" Yahiko whimpered, throwing the book into Saitoh's arms. The said cop smirked widely at Kenshin's sickened expression and read-

"_tell me, were r u fom?" Kenshni asked her. Mitzu's violet eyes shimmred wit tearz. They slid down her perfect porclain cheks. "I'm sorri, ny fair Mitzu. Did I hurt u?" she shuk her head, her beautiful golden hair carrasing Kenshin's cheek. "No, it's just that my famili died long ago. They were murderd in one nite" _

_Kenshin kissed her, and it was magical. The glede seemd to glow as the moon bathed itz rayz on the cople. _

"AAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH" Kaoru screamed in frustration as she lunged for Saitoh, clearly intent on ripping him and the accursed book to shreds. Saitoh neatly stepped out of the way, and a startled Soujiro found himself run over by the enraged Kendo instructor. Hiko grabbed her before she killed the boy, and gestured to Saitoh to leave the room, which the cop did.

Sano looked too scared to laugh. Okita looked at Soujiro uncertainly; wondering if he should console his new son or not, while Kenshin buried his face in his arms, shaking like mad. It took a whole hour and half a dozen blows to the head from Hiko to calm Kaoru down, and to be assured over and over that it was a book, a story and that there was not a shred of evidence that something like that had happened, except the theory that Soujiro was Okita's son. A few paces away, Tae soothed the red head with the same words while Yahiko patted his arm sympathetically.

Saitoh returned to the room, with the book and his usual scowl. "Now listen. The book tells a story. Can't you control yourselves?" he snapped. "Easy for you to say" Sano piped up surprisingly, frowning "you behaved the exact same way when she slandered the Shinsengumi" Saitoh glared at him, and continued anyway "So, if anyone feels sick or angry at that… that absolute fabrication, go out of the room! Why didn't you do that, Tanuki? You showed that self control before right?" Kaoru shook her head a little sadly and apologized, causing Hiko to wonder if he had hit her head too hard. "Now we all know what to do, so let's continue" Saitoh ordered, and promptly dumped the book into Sano's hands. The rooster head sighed, and opened it. He read it quietly for a second; then looked up, face green. "I don't think we should read this. It's an NC-17 scene"

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Yay! The group finally finds a way to pour out their frustration and still be safe from the manifestation of evil! Will they have to suffer at the hands of the NC-17 scene? Stay tuned!

Read and review, please!


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